Hero and Hospital Balls: The Bears Survive, But Barely
Bears 47, Bengals 42
I thought this game was over at the kickoff return.
And if you didn’t lose your voice screaming at the TV, you probably lost half your hair.
I didn’t have much to pull to begin with.
Let’s get one thing straight — this game was chaos.
Soul-sucking chaos.
And yeah, I’ll say it: Monghani had a hell of a game. Props where they’re due.
But come on, bro — it’s one game. One. Game. Not Walter Payton.
Let’s see where this circus is headed before we crown anyone the next franchise savior.
The fanboys are probably ordering custom jerseys after that Loveland touchdown.
It was electric — I’ll give them that.
But underneath the fireworks, it’s still the same shit.
Caleb keeps missing easy throws, skipping checkdowns, and bailing from clean pockets like he’s late for a dentist appointment.
He runs out of the pocket for no reason, can’t make fast decisions, and can’t hit a throw in the flat — or anywhere else.
Adam Archuleta (who called one of his games again) basically said the same thing:
He doesn’t see the field. He doesn’t trust his reads.
He’s still chasing that hero-ball highlight reel like it’s USC and Gonzaga High all over again.
And speaking of film — my father-in-law, Rich, the star analyst of this blog, is back with his golden takes.
6th Floor — False Hope Department
Sure, the schedule might offer a sliver of hope.
But let’s be honest — the defense is fucking trash.
Like, “we-celebrated-but-still-looked-confused-we-won” trash.
You could see it on their faces: “Wait… did we actually pull that shit off?”
This defense couldn’t rush a passer if you paid them in Bitcoin and barbecue.
Unless something changes, expect more hospital balls, blown coverages, and long Sundays filled with shirt-off swearing.
Another hospital ball from Caleb got Kmet wrecked.
This isn’t new. His whole season has been hospital balls and overthrows.
But the fanboy media keeps protecting him.
They flip more than Two-Face’s coin every week on this kid’s quarterback play.
And bro — can we talk about the jump throws?
What the fuck are those?
Why are you jumping? Would I jump in the air to lock in a guillotine choke? No.
It’s corny, bro. Stop.
I honestly think he does it because he thinks he looks cool — like checking your arms after two hours of triceps (or so I’ve heard).
You’re not Jordan. You’re not even Pippen.
Stop jumping. Plant. Throw. Repeat.
The running game was cooking — that was the one bright spot.
But every time this team finds rhythm, Caleb channels his inner nine-year-old playground quarterback.
Running around like he’s at recess, hurling prayers into double coverage.
It’s maddening.
His mechanics are a disaster. His decision-making? Worse.
And the pass rush? Nonexistent.
How do you blow a 20-point cushion and let the Bengals storm back like that?
Roster Decisions That Make No Sense
Don’t even get me started on the front office and the actress GM.
You know what screams “I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing”?
The trade deadline.
Trading for another mediocre pass rusher to cover for a mediocre pass rush that’s been invisible for nine weeks — and now out for the year.
Good. Fucking. Stay home, bro.
How do you keep doubling down on average?
It’s like trying to fix a leaky roof by buying another bucket.
This guy has, to this date, missed on draft picks — and no one other than this blog has the fucking courage to call out this clown.
I’m not even going to talk about his third punt returner he was afraid to cut or his cute fourth-round “generational” punter.
Just look at this shit draft board from 2025 alone:
1️⃣ Colston Loveland, TE, Michigan – Yay, he caught two TDs. Let’s get a custom jersey instead of a pass rusher or left tackle.
2️⃣ Luther Burden III, WR, Missouri – Has promise when he’s not concussed and catching hospital balls.
3️⃣ Ozzy Trapilo, OT, Boston College – Drafted a right tackle, tried to make him a left tackle. He’s not good at either.
4️⃣ Shemar Turner, DT, Texas A&M – Haven’t heard anything yet.
5️⃣ Ruben Hyppolite II, LB, Maryland – Traded down to get him. Still hasn’t done shit.
6️⃣ Zah Frazier, CB, UTSA – Drafted a DB with a “past,” suspended for the season. No due diligence.
7️⃣ Luke Newman, OG, Michigan State – Who?
8️⃣ Kyle Monangai, RB, Rutgers – A powerhouse so far, but it’s a long season, brother.
In English: this draft class is absolute garbage.
Even the worse teams — Arizona, and fuck bro, even Dallas — have impact players.
Meanwhile, I’m watching Dallas Monday night, seeing Walter Nolen yeah, that same guy who was on my list for the Bears to draft —
and what do you know?
He looked like Dalton from Road House, tossing grown men out of the pocket like bar stools.
That’s what a pass rusher looks like. That’s what urgency looks like.
We’re out here settling for manure when we need Kentucky Bluegrass.
The Long and Windy Road
This was a wild one, no doubt.
The kind of game that reminds you why you love football — and why you wonder why you stick with your team.
The Bears won, but it didn’t feel like it.
It felt like we escaped a car crash and high-fived each other for still having limbs.
Caleb’s got arm talent. That’s never been the question.
The question is between the ears — will he ever slow the game down, trust his eyes, and stop trying to play Superman?
The answer is fuck no.
And Ben Johnson knows it.
Right now, he’s stuck in bad habits, surrounded by a defense that couldn’t pressure a balloon.
But hey — a win’s a win.
Even if it comes with a hangover.
Post-Game Reality Check
Even my lady — the executive editor of this blog — was in on the action, yelling at the screen.
“Why is that guy celebrating instead of blocking?”
“It was embarrassing. Everyone thought the game was locked, and somehow forty-year-old Flacco still outshined people.”
“The Bears completely shit the bed.”
“Disastrous. Embarrassing.”
“And how can the coach not see the kicker’s face? You could tell he wasn’t making that field goal.”
“Start Bagent, is that how you say his name? Next Sunday. Enough said.”
