Bears Won, But I’m Not Buying This Smelly Cheese
Bears 25, Raiders 24
The Bears won. Yeah, I said it. But don’t uncork the champagne.
Because if you actually watched that game, you know the Raiders gave it away. And they fucking know it. I had Raiders fans blowing up my phone during the game, telling me it was a farce. And they were right.
If that kick doesn’t get blocked, there would be blood and torches in the streets all week. The “Chicago Media” would be melting down. Instead, they’re ecstatic about a 2–2 record heading into the bye, and the Caleb fanboys are out here celebrating like we just won the NFC North.
Hopium Is Back on Tap
Me? I’ve been watching this team for 40+ years. I’ve seen this shell game before. The McCaskeys sell Hopium like it’s bottled water, and Bears fans line up to drink it.
My job here is to break the spell and give you the reality check you need. This team is one big farce. The front office knows it. They’re just making billions on pushing that Hopium.
Sorry, not buying it.
It’s October, so allow me to turn into Mr. Barlow from Salem’s Lot and lay out the dark truth.
No Pass Rush. Still.
Let’s be honest with this shit and start with the obvious.
Sweat and Odeyingbo are making $38 million combined this year. Want to guess how many sacks they have?
Two. Two fucking sacks.
That’s a joke. That’s theft. And it’s another shining example of this actress GM shitting his pants.
And don’t tell me about the defense getting “turnovers.” Geno Smith was trash Sunday — one of his worst games — and he doesn’t look any better. He was handing the ball out like Newports in prison.
Those interceptions? That wasn’t from a pass rush. That was dumb luck against a quarterback who had forgotten how to play football.
Meanwhile, Ashton Jeanty looked like Marshawn Lynch on Sunday after three weeks of playing like garbage. Why? Because the Bears gave up 240 rushing yards to a team with a bad offensive line.
Because the D-line sucks, they’re still not getting a push four weeks in. And then you have this asshole actress GM overpaying for a DL in Jarrett, who is past his prime and can’t stay healthy.
I fucking warned you all months ago.
I wanted Grady Jarrett, who New England couldn’t block in the Super Bowl years ago — not this broken-down version. Poles thought Jarrett was the answer. He’s not. He’s past his prime, can’t stay on the field, and can’t make a difference.
The Caleb Show
Here’s the part that’s going to piss people off: Caleb ain’t it.
Unless you had tinnitus, you heard Adam Archuleta & Spero Dedes on the CBS broadcast roasting him the whole game. And they were right.
He’s got happy feet in the pocket.
He misses easy throws.
He’s slinging sidearm hero-ball bullshit like he’s Patrick Mahomes. Newsflash: he’s not Mahomes. He’s Dennis Eckersley trying to relive the ’89 World Series.
Archuleta — who actually played in the league and for the Bears — probably gave the greatest analysis of what this team is lacking on both offense and defense.
Basically, they were saying everything I’ve been screaming for the past year on this blog.
The schedule is only going to get tougher, and he’s going to get exposed again against elite pass rushers like Max Crosby. Mrs. Mahomes can’t play Dallas and Las Vegas every week. Sorry, bro, the league doesn’t work like that.
Even my father-in-law doesn’t watch a lot of football. What did you say, Rich? That Caleb should’ve turned around and run and not wait?
Hold on: Archuleta nailed it about Caleb’s “hospital balls” and his panic in the pocket. Full of shit. He’s not comfortable.
Even my father-in-law — who’s going to charge me with Elder Abuse because I basically forced him to watch the game over ribeyes at my home — was asking:
“Why doesn’t he stay in the pocket?”
“Why does he keep running when he doesn’t have to?”
“Why does he throw sidearm like that?”
When your father-in-law is willing to put that shit on audio for the world to hear, it’s bad.
The O-Line & Running Game: $90 Million of Garbage
The Bears once prided themselves on running backs: Payton, Neal Anderson, Thomas Jones, Matt Forte, and David Montgomery. Tough, smart, productive.
Now? Since joining the Bears, D’Andre Swift has one 100-yard rushing game. One.
How the fuck can you make that work?
You’re telling me in modern professional football — between the draft, free agency, trades, or even fucking Canada — this actress GM couldn’t find one running back who can get 100 yards in a game?
No. Because the backs suck, the O-line sucks, and this GM obviously sucks.
Ben Johnson’s offense depends on a run game. Without it, you’ve got a car with no gas.
And our offensive line? Don’t get me started.
Braxton Jones supposedly had a “great camp,” then got benched for guys off the street? The team wouldn’t even let him talk to the media about it.
Balsa wood has more strength than this O-line.
What the fuck happened to “rebuilding the offensive line”? Four years in, and this actress still can’t get this shit straight. They were getting gashed up the middle the whole fucking game.
This is his line. He built it. And it’s fucking embarrassing.
The Alien Roster
This roster reminds me of Alien. The crew’s eating, laughing, hanging out — and then Kane’s chest explodes, and the alien rips out, killing the whole vibe.
That’s the Bears. On the surface, everything’s “fine.” But underneath? There’s a monster waiting to rip out and expose this roster for what it is: one big lie.
And it’s all on this actress GM’s watch. Nobody has the fucking courage to say it.
Broadcast Truth Bombs
Archuleta and Dedes said everything I’ve been saying for a year:
Garbage run defense.
Caleb’s panic in the pocket.
The O-line is a sieve.
